Corporate Claptrap No 1

Apparantly, the new Maps app in iOS6, ahem, could be better…..in other words it’s pretty crap and as usual there are lots of people out there letting everyone else know. They’re also letting Apple know as well. Now, I never use the maps apps on smartphones, have never used Google Maps more than about twice in 5 years so losing Google Maps and having a shit replacement is not something that personally concerns me. Nonetheless, if Apple is going to take away a stalwart bit of software and replace it then the replacement has to be up to a comparable standard or else people will not be best pleased, especially if they can’t get a suitable alternative.

Anyway, here’s the bit of corporate claptrap that the Apple spokesperson came out with. Apple spokesperson, Trudy Miller, has responded on behalf of the company claiming that it will get better over time.

“Customers around the world are upgrading to iOS 6 with over 200 new features including Apple Maps, our first map service,” said spokeswoman Trudy Miller. “We are excited to offer this service with innovative new features like Flyover, turn-by-turn navigation, and Siri integration. We launched this new map service knowing it is a major initiative and that we are just getting started with it. Maps is a cloud-based solution and the more people use it, the better it will get. We appreciate all of the customer feedback and are working hard to make the customer experience even better.”

Classic. No addressing of the problems, no “we are going to sort this out by x date”, no “we’re sorry this is rather poor”…..these companies, and it’s certainly not just Apple, just use these opportunities to spout forth the company manifesto whilst conveniently managing to ignore the reason why they are having to make an announcement in the first place.

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It’s wrong

Just looking at a whole load of pics from the Apple iPhone 5 launch and I have to say this…..guys who wear shirts outside their trousers, who are perhaps just a little bit too portly so that there’s a kind of tent thing look going on there with the front of the shirt almost appearing to magically float a foot or so above their midriff…..it’s just so wrong. This unpleasant and inappropriate attire can be seen sported by Phi Schiller at the event.
It’s a real fashion faux pas which has been going on for far too long, a horrid casual, untidy look that is wrong on so many fronts. Be warned.

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Mark Kermode & Simon Smug Mayo

God, these two irritate me beyond belief with their all pervading smugness, smirkiness and arrogance via their self-styled “wittertainment” film review podcast. Thing is, I enjoy Kermodes film reviews although he is depressingly predictable. Throw in anything that is subtitled or foreign which involves great periods of silence, self-angst and he’ll be all over it. My respect for him has waned ever since I saw him on BBC 2 a few years back interviewing Neil Young, the way he sooked up to him was vomit inducing and the programme should have come with a health warning beforehand.

A large part of the show revolves around them reading aloud pompous emails from adoring “wittertainment” ( a word you’ll hear a lot of in a typical show) fans (aka sycophants) whose sole purpose appears to be to bolster even further the already bursting egos of the two hosts. This pair are so far up each others areses they could lick each others tonsils.

If anybody can recommend a decent film review podcast without the sickening smugness please let me know.

BBC News – Chris Moyles launches on-air tirade over pay

BBC News – Chris Moyles launches on-air tirade over pay.

What is it with this guy? Read the article and marvel at his sheer arrogance…

“I was texting my agent last night,” he said, “and I am so angry that they’ve put me in this position where now I have to choose whether or not I go to work.”

“Fix it, just get it fixed. It’s a huge lack of respect.”

If this guys talent was as big as his ego he’d be well placed. Lack of respect my bottom….this is the problem with the whole DJ culture these days, everyone thinks they are a DJ and the amount of times you read or hear about people who slip in the moniker “DJ” when they talk about themselves.

I saw a programme about him a while back, he was touring round the UK on a mission to speak to every one who had been a Radio 1 Breakfast Show DJ since it started. He was treating the whole thing as if he was speaking to the Nobel Peace Price winners, each one being accorded some grossly over-inflated degree of importance as they recounted tedious tales of their wacky japes, battles with the then Radio 1 Head Controller and various other tales. You just have to read through the list of previous incumbents to get a feel for the size of collective ego’s involved…Tony Blackburn, Steve (I think I’m funny) Wright, Chris Evans and the like. These people were above music, the show was all about them and their tediously dull entourage who served no purpose other than to fawn at their self perceived greatness. Rather ironically, it was followed by a Smashey & Nicey retrospective, which clowns like Moyes probably interpret as a tribute.

Facebook

I don’t use Facebook much these days but oddly a couple of my chums, both fiercely non-tech types, have suddenly latched onto it and embraced it as if it had just started last month.

I logged on over the weekend as they had both sent messages just to check things out. I was appalled by the amount of pap others had posted of late. My main problem with Facebook these days is not so much the app itself but rather some of its users who seem to regard it as some kind of business opportunity medium and bombard your homepage with links to their sites or ventures. Or, they insist in filling your page with pictures and videos of their kids or have some misguided notion that I’d be even remotely interested in their poor musical taste or links to join some stupid group.

Luckily, I have just discovered that you can “hide” certain people so you don’t have to read all that pap. God, I’m getting supremely grumpy in my old age and am starting to enjoy it too.

Great twats of our time…no1 – Andy Goram

First in a series.

Ah yes…”the Goalie”, as jovial Andy liked to be known to his friends and fellow Huns but to the rest of us he was just simply “The fat, mulleted, bigot” which I think is a far more appropriate description particulary when you consider his alleged extremely dodgy Irish “loyalist” associations. Not a good idea at the best of times but especially stupid when you are playing for one half of the Glasgow Bigot Brothers in one of the most secretarian areas of Western Europe.

No doubt Mr Goram was a very talented goalkeeper but off the park he came across as a complete prat, a throwback to the “ho ho ho aren’t we all very funny” drinking culture that pervaded Scottish (Glasgow) football culture for a good number of years  and he went through, seemingly, more wives than Henry V111. This was a guy who epitomised everything that is crass about people with no class acquiring pots of money and then spending it all on bling just to confirm the fact. They must have a manual…”The obviously naff expensive things to buy if you have more money than sense and no imagination”

You can just imagine Herr Goram, at his peak, in some dodgy 70’s style Glasgow “discotheque” strutting his stuff at the bar, a couple of perma-tanned dyed blonde horrors either side and ordering some cheap Champers with all the style of Kevin Webster from Coronation St on some works night out.

The “Fattie” has an autobiography out at the moment as he attempts to milk the last remnants of his rapidly fading notoriety, no doubt hoping it will snapped up by hordes of equally bigoted Rangers fans eager to read about all the whacky japes that “The Twattie” got up to back in the 90’s with fellow japesters Sally McCoist, Dicky Gough and the rest of the loathsome 9 in a row Gers side.

Russell Brand engaged to Katy Perry

BBC News – Russell Brand engaged to Katy Perry.

Yeah, this is going to last isn’t it?

I don’t know what it is about Russell Brand but he just comes across a a jerk to me. I don’t find him particularly funny either, I mean there are plenty of other contemporary comedians that make me laugh but it just isn’t happening with him.