Great twats of our time…no1 – Andy Goram

First in a series.

Ah yes…”the Goalie”, as jovial Andy liked to be known to his friends and fellow Huns but to the rest of us he was just simply “The fat, mulleted, bigot” which I think is a far more appropriate description particulary when you consider his alleged extremely dodgy Irish “loyalist” associations. Not a good idea at the best of times but especially stupid when you are playing for one half of the Glasgow Bigot Brothers in one of the most secretarian areas of Western Europe.

No doubt Mr Goram was a very talented goalkeeper but off the park he came across as a complete prat, a throwback to the “ho ho ho aren’t we all very funny” drinking culture that pervaded Scottish (Glasgow) football culture for a good number of years  and he went through, seemingly, more wives than Henry V111. This was a guy who epitomised everything that is crass about people with no class acquiring pots of money and then spending it all on bling just to confirm the fact. They must have a manual…”The obviously naff expensive things to buy if you have more money than sense and no imagination”

You can just imagine Herr Goram, at his peak, in some dodgy 70’s style Glasgow “discotheque” strutting his stuff at the bar, a couple of perma-tanned dyed blonde horrors either side and ordering some cheap Champers with all the style of Kevin Webster from Coronation St on some works night out.

The “Fattie” has an autobiography out at the moment as he attempts to milk the last remnants of his rapidly fading notoriety, no doubt hoping it will snapped up by hordes of equally bigoted Rangers fans eager to read about all the whacky japes that “The Twattie” got up to back in the 90’s with fellow japesters Sally McCoist, Dicky Gough and the rest of the loathsome 9 in a row Gers side.


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